Short Story No. 2

Who Am I Crying For, You or Me?

I have never felt this alone in my life. I look out across all the faces that are looking down at you. To me, one face seems to blur into another. For all I know they could be anyone. One of them is speaking I watch his lips move unable to make out what he is actually saying. It is as if I am watching television and the sound is muted.

All I feel is a deep pain in my chest that won’t go away. It won’t leave me. I’ve had this pain in my chest for the last week and I know it’s your fault. It’s your fault because you left me. Now I’m alone and I can’t breath. All I can think about is you and your face.

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I heard the scream, the scream that wouldn’t stop. It’s ear piercing. I wanted to shout stop screaming, shut up! But I couldn’t because I now realised that it was me who was screaming. I had no control over what I was doing. I tried to stop what was happening, but I couldn’t. I turned to see your face. I have never seen you look like that, the fear in your eyes as you looked the other way and saw what I could see behind you. Then everything went dark!

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I feel tears rolling down my face. This is the first time I haven’t ever felt anything other than the pain in my chest since it happened. But I know that I have stopped crying since I last saw you. I feel someone put their arm around me; I turn to look at them in hope that it might be you.

I watch the person mouth “We’re all here for you.” I can’t make out their face. I just see that their body is swamped in black. The only person that I want to be here for me is you. And where are you? Where are you when I need you? You’re gone. I’m angry at you for leaving me, but I’m more angry at myself for letting you leave me.

I feel the tears getting heavier rolling down my face. I’m not sure who these tears are for, myself because you left me, or for you? I feel selfish because the tears are for me. I’m the one left on my own, and everyone else is crying for you.

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I woke up like an excited child on Christmas Day. It was our one-year anniversary. I had a magnificent day planned. After all I didn’t expect you to remember as you are a guy and from experience guys never remember dates. I was going to make it so special I had it all planned.

When you woke up I made you get ready super fast. I had already put everything in the car. You told me to wait in the kitchen while you just got something. So I did, and you walked back in with a little box wrapped up. It read “Happy 1st Anniversary.” You kissed me tenderly on the lips. Once I took off the gift-wrap the box read “Tiffany & Co” I opened it to find two diamond earrings. I couldn’t believe that you had actually remembered. I stood there in a state of shock not knowing what to say.

I looked out of the window at the snow, which was still there from last night, it was picturesque.

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The weather is still cold now. We both loved the winter. Curling up by the fire together. But that is to be no more. I touch my ear; I still have the earrings in. I haven’t taken them out since the day you left me. I feel that they are the only things that are still keeping me close to you.

I’m shaking but I don’t think that it is because of the weather, as I’m wearing your big coat that I bought for you at the beginning of autumn. I can still slightly smell your aftershave on the collar. I probably look so stupid with it on. But who cares it’s not like I am trying to be the centre of fashion.

Everyone is wearing black after all. But it would be very disrespectful if they hadn’t of been.

I look around me to observe who is here and although I can’t make out any of their faces, I see that there are lots of people here, so obviously lots of people cared. They are all here for you. I wonder if it had happened to me, would there be this many people here? After all it should be me that they’re here to see not you.

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After the blur had died down. I remember reaching over to you, grabbing your hand. Seeing all that blood I didn’t know if it was your blood or my blood. I didn’t care I just wanted you to say that everything was going to be ok.

I asked you if everything was going to be ok, but you didn’t respond. I couldn’t feel anything, no pain or anything, just the warmth of the blood that was all over my skin, all over your skin.

I could hear a woman saying something on the other side of the window; I couldn’t make out what she was saying. I started to shake your arm. I could feel panic rising up inside me. I heard the woman say not to move you, but I couldn’t stop shaking your arm. I didn’t know if I was moving it purposely or whether it’s because I was shaking from the shock and it making your arm shake as well.

But I just couldn’t let go of you. I never wanted to let go of you. I could hear sirens in the background. Everything sounded so busy around me. I couldn’t believe how much blood there was; your t-shirt was soaked in it.

Then I felt someone grab me. They were asking me questions, but I wasn’t sure what they were saying. They started to pull my hand off yours, but I wouldn’t let go. I screamed at them to stop, but they were saying things to me, which I didn’t understand. They eventually got me out.

I looked back at you and saw what had actually happened, how bad it really was. A man climbed in beside you, he was wearing green, so must have been a doctor, but I couldn’t really tell. The man that got me out took me over to the ambulance. I sat in it for a while, while he asked me questions, but all I could concentrate on was the man with you. It seemed like all of this was going on for ages. I just wanted you to get out and tell me that it was all a big joke, and that we can go home now.

I heard them saying things around you as they got you out and put you on a trolley. I watched them put a white sheet over you, but I thought it must have been because you were shaking from the shock of what had happened like I was. I ran over to you so I could hold you again.

But as I got closer I saw that the white sheet was covering your face. The man who was asking me the questions in the ambulance grabbed me as I fell to my knees and screamed, the tears streaming down my face.

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Suddenly you start to move. I watch as your coffin is being taken behind the curtain. I start to scream, the person next to me is holding me back.

I find myself saying; “Don’t take him away from me. I can’t do it without him.” People are mumbling sentences to me, I can make out some of what they are saying, and he’s gone, are the words I recognise.

I look around me, for the first time that day I recognise a face. It’s his mother’s. She looks so sad; tears are running down her face.

I break free from the person holding me. I find myself saying to her, “I’m so sorry Mrs. Peterson, it’s all my fault. It should be me in that coffin, not him. It’s my fault.”

She looks at me with sadness in her eyes, “Don’t be silly Janine, it was just a tragic accident. And at least we still have you here with us, Andrew would have been glad of that.”

“But…”

“No buts, we’re just glad we still have you here.”

She won’t listen to me. It is my fault. If it weren’t for me, you would still be here with your family and me. It should be me in that coffin. I don’t want to be alive without you, especially knowing that it was me who killed you.

I watch as the last bit of the coffin goes behind the curtain. That’s the last time I will see you. I cling to the memory of me holding you in the car. The last time I would ever hold you.

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I knew it was going to be the most perfect day ever. I had had it planned for weeks.

When you gave me my Tiffany earrings it just made it even more special because I really didn’t think that you would remember.

I decided not to tell you where we are going to, we both just got in the car. I had already packed a Champaign picnic in the boot.

I drove us to Hyde Park because it was the place we had meet at the year before, so I thought it would be perfect. The look you gave me was one of such love. I had never seen you look at me like that before, and I felt myself melt.

The picnic was as perfect as I had planned. It was made more romantic by all the snow around us. But we couldn’t really feel the cold because we had so many clothes on and were so loved up.

We both only drank one glass of Champaign because you said that you wouldn’t drink anymore because I couldn’t.

When we were getting into the car to drive home, you offered to drive, but I said no because this day was about you, you told me that it wasn’t about me but it was about both of us.

On the way home in the car I’d never felt happier in my life. The day up to that point had turned out better than I could have ever imagined.

On the way home I was thinking about how happy I was. I turned round this corner about a mile from our house, because we were so close to home I was driving a little faster than I should have been, especially as it was still icy on the road. I felt the wheels go from under the car. I tried to control the car, but I couldn’t, it just started spinning round onto the other side of the road. There was nothing I could do but scream.

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It was my fault. I knew that the roads were icy. I should have been more careful. I just wanted to get home as quick as possible and now you will never come home again and it’s because of me.

I will never be able to forgive myself because I killed you and now here I am at your funeral watching all of your family having to say goodbye to you, because of me. I can’t get the image of the fear in your eyes before the truck collided into the side of the car. I doubt I ever will.